So this week has been mostly a down mood, it started last Saturday evening for some unknown reason and it slid gradually at first as my early warning system had identified a number of ‘triggers’ but from Monday it declined as a much faster pace and gaining that pace at hyper-speed.
Depression never gets ‘lost’ it knows it’s way through my brain and gets straight to the point like a homing pigeon on a jolly day out. Even worse, it is just as clever as Google maps in finding the quickest and shortest route from one point of reference to another and ’skips’ stages of Depression as it now avoids certain triggers (traffic) as they have simple become redundant and have no effect and another trigger has built on that effect and compounded the mental anxiety.
I have repeatedly (and always have) referred to the depression as ‘My Depression’, treating it in a way that I own or am responsible for it. I look after MY Dog, I wash MY car, MY Leg hurts, each of these items I own, and what us accountants would call ‘ Tangible’ i.e. it is something that is physical and can been touched. MY bank balance again, I owe responsibility to it although, this is ‘Intangible’ as it can not be physically touched.
So Depression, it is Intangible as it is not something I can pick up and place in a box and stick it in the attic, out of harms warm. But, also, I do not own it either, it is not my responsibility, it is not MINE to keep, its not MINE that I don’t want to share. I owe it NO responsibility. So from now on it is not MY Depression I am struggling with, it is separate from me, an unwanted guest and it is DEPRESSION, and at some point in my life, there was ‘LBD’ – Life Before Depression, and I want to back so badly.
It’s strange now, as I have been proactively looking, identifying and understanding (or at least trying to understand) what causes these triggers and the relationship each trigger has with each stage of the declining decent deep down to the depths of depression.
There are a lot of D’s in the last sentence and all these words do reflect my mood as they are the ones that came to mind, so unknowingly the language I am using not only reflects my mood but the vocabulary at the forefront of my immediate brain response is ‘pre-set’ to negative.
I need to re-wire my brain, so that the automatic boot up sequence each morning is not starting from the ‘Depression GO’ square on the Depression Monopoly Board, and try to at least start with a positive outlook for the day.
The chimp in my head is already angered and is shouting and waving the ‘What’s the point’ placard around in my mind in an attempt to overrule the slight chance of positivity.
My wife said to me lightheartedly , ‘What’s it like everyone jumping on the depressive bandwagon as it January and everyone gets depressed at this time of year’ don’t worry she said, ‘it’s like joining a gym and they will all give depression up in February’.
This was an interesting point, as for the ‘Normal’ people as it is often referred to, in which I look skyward and touch my finger on my chin and say like a philosopher ‘But, what IS normal?’ Anyway, back to the point, for the non-depressionists, “Welcome to our world, of 12 months, 52 weeks, 7 days a week and 24 hours a day.” As the month of January progresses and as February approaches their moods will lift and as March then arises the lighter nights commence and the clocks are adjusted for British Summer Time (BST). Meanwhile, it’s just Groundhog Day for the Depression sufferers.
That may sound like a rant against none sufferers, but in that last paragraph I have identified a number of positive points.
– January will soon be over with as it’s always gloomy after the highs of Christmas
– February will be a new month
– The light nights will start to creep in
– The clocks go forward
– Spring will be on it way, where the flowers bloom and leaves start to grow on the trees
I will look forward to all of these things now that I have realised that there is light at the end of the tunnel, I can change and re-wire the thoughts of my brain and look to the future for positivity and a step towards ‘LAD’, Life After Depression.
I want my life back this year, my wife wants the man she met and married, unfortunately, I can’t rewind my age, but I can get fit, lose that weight and get the six pack she keeps asking for!
I have done it! What a feeling, I have achieved something today, this week, this year. I have blogged today.
Have a good day!
The Depressed Accountant