The Depths of Depression

Trying to explain depression is difficult, some people think it’s a case of just being sad or down, which in itself would indicate a temporary state of emotion. It also has been put to me by my brother that other events of happiness should immediately eradicate and dissolve the depression completely once and for all, as if by magic, Piff-Paff-Poof – said some kids magician in the 80’s.

Depression is evil, it’s long-term and its a gremlin that hangs around like a bad smell.

The fall or decline into depression, I think and feel, is a gradual process that is like building blocks getting higher and higher as each negative event in life stacks up but in this case obviously getting lower.

It sinks lower and lower until you hit rock bottom and that is where you can remain for a very, very long time.

My journey into depression, looking back, (with the help of a counselor) was when I was around 12 or 13, following a death of a grandparent and hitting a complete low on the death of a parent when I was in my mid 30s.

Over this time to get from 13 to 30 to 40’s has been an underlying decline, getting lower or deeper if you like.

To try an explain and I hope you can perhaps relate to this, I will explain my feelings like this.

The ‘Sea Level’ is a threshold of what we will deem as ‘Normal’ (but what is normal some academic shouts from the back!). The sky is beautiful shades of blue with the dot of a trail of white clouds here and there, birds are tweeting, the wind blowing a soft breeze against the grass as a pretty white butterfly floats past – you get the idea…..

Most people will be ‘Sky High’ while going about there daily lives, A little emotion or negative thoughts or events will bring them down to ‘Sea Level’ but they will float back up after dealing with their situation. Me however, will keep floating down to ‘Sea Level’, constantly feeling the deflation as events gang up on me until eventually I hit the sea level and start to sink.

This is my ‘Normal Level’ my benchmark, my everyday starting point. I will have ups and downs within this area between the ‘Sea Bed’ and ‘Sea Level’ but never actually reaching the surface.

In the depths of depression I bob along the Sea Bed with slight bobs towards the surface only to sink again at some point.

While some people will live happily in the sky and maintain some level of emotion and control, I am living in the depths of the ocean. Staring up and the surface looking for a glimmer of the suns reflection of the surface to coax me up and above ‘Sea Level’.

I want to get better, I want to feel the fresh air in my face, I want to feel normal. It’s not self pity.

I can have a really good day, but more often than not a ‘Trigger’ – awright Dave – (No not that Trigger!) will set the ‘Depression Dominoes’ off like a Roy Castle Record Breakers attempt.

Overtime, I know my Triggers (I bet you said ‘awright Dave’ in your head then!) and can deal with some before they take effect, sometimes they slip through the net, but with a reduced effect, sometimes they smash their way through like a bowling ball but in knowing what the Triggers are are a huge advantage. It took a while to get to know them and to be even aware of them, which is thanks to my Wife – Thank You Wife x. This is all for another blog another day, my friend.

So, now you know what goes around in my mind and perhaps you can relate, perhaps you don’t but guess what, talking about it helps, and today typing this while I can’t sleep, has left me feeling somewhat chuffed.

Thank you for reading.

I have done it! What a feeling, I have achieved something today, this week, this year. I have blogged today.

Have a good day!

The Depressed Accountant

TDA Day-to-Day